Comments on: Short Story: Home http://www.boheadquarters.com/2007/07/30/short-story-home/ Bo Schambelan's Stuff Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:25:49 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.1 By: jason http://www.boheadquarters.com/2007/07/30/short-story-home/#comment-5 jason Wed, 01 Aug 2007 15:53:52 +0000 http://www.boheadquarters.com/2007/07/30/short-story-home/#comment-5 <p>Nice piece. The dialogue is amazing. The "sing-songy" "I said it again" stuff is just one example. It sounds really real and is interesting. In fact, what do you think about starting the story off with some dialogue? Maybe skip to the Justice and his wife talking and have the court decision stuff as a flashback of sorts. I thought that the opening was a bit heavy on the exposition, and this may help with that.</p> <p>A thought... it may be good to start with something like "Justice Rivers just got home." Something with "home" in it.</p> <p>I also think you did a good job conveying the aged love between Justice Rivers and his wife Sarah. The paragraph that starts "Justice Rivers stacked the wood and swept..." is excellent. You took the common "I can't imagine being without you" and made it your own.</p> <p>Especially considering how well you did with the "I can't imagine being without you" stuff, I found this sentence a little weak:</p> <p>"It was clear to Justice Solomon Rivers that the woman upstairs, whom he could hear whirring the milk and ice cream in the blender, was his home."</p> <p>The "spouse as home" thing is a bit of a cliche, and I think you didn't do as good a job of owning it as you did the other stuff. I think the Justice would recognize the cliche, maybe think/say something like "It's such a cliche, but..." That could be a way to "own it". Not sure.</p> <p>Anyway, great stuff. I liked the dialogue. I always like your imagery/metaphor. I think the juxtaposition of rediculous homelessness law stuff with the ideas of spouse-as-a-home and even the broken home forwarning is a good concept for a story.</p> Nice piece. The dialogue is amazing. The “sing-songy” “I said it again” stuff is just one example. It sounds really real and is interesting. In fact, what do you think about starting the story off with some dialogue? Maybe skip to the Justice and his wife talking and have the court decision stuff as a flashback of sorts. I thought that the opening was a bit heavy on the exposition, and this may help with that.

A thought… it may be good to start with something like “Justice Rivers just got home.” Something with “home” in it.

I also think you did a good job conveying the aged love between Justice Rivers and his wife Sarah. The paragraph that starts “Justice Rivers stacked the wood and swept…” is excellent. You took the common “I can’t imagine being without you” and made it your own.

Especially considering how well you did with the “I can’t imagine being without you” stuff, I found this sentence a little weak:

“It was clear to Justice Solomon Rivers that the woman upstairs, whom he could hear whirring the milk and ice cream in the blender, was his home.”

The “spouse as home” thing is a bit of a cliche, and I think you didn’t do as good a job of owning it as you did the other stuff. I think the Justice would recognize the cliche, maybe think/say something like “It’s such a cliche, but…” That could be a way to “own it”. Not sure.

Anyway, great stuff. I liked the dialogue. I always like your imagery/metaphor. I think the juxtaposition of rediculous homelessness law stuff with the ideas of spouse-as-a-home and even the broken home forwarning is a good concept for a story.

]]> By: Noah http://www.boheadquarters.com/2007/07/30/short-story-home/#comment-4 Noah Wed, 01 Aug 2007 02:56:02 +0000 http://www.boheadquarters.com/2007/07/30/short-story-home/#comment-4 Dad - I read Home, liked it. It is sad, really....in a way. Wistful. Favorite line: "moment of decisive female movement, both vain and self-protective" Dad - I read Home, liked it. It is sad, really….in a way. Wistful. Favorite line: “moment of decisive female movement, both vain and self-protective”

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